Complete and utter mumblings.....

Eh....just got done watching a porno...disappointing.

Sometimes I wonder why or what makes me so "abnormal" and/or "different" ... maybe it's just the people I associate with...who knows.

I understand that "normal" is quite relative, as if saying that something or someone is beautiful. Not everyone can agree. BUT I can't stop being overly introspective. I know what makes me tick...but I want to know why it does. Does it really come down to the nature vs. nurture theory? If I would have been accepted and loved unconditionally by both parents, would it change who I am today? Or what if I had different parents....would I be compltely different than I am now?

I feel like there is a constant, internal struggle inside of me. A double personality, so to speak....an alter ego. I was brought up to be a classic beauty, like a Katherine Hepburn. Elegant in its simplicity. But deep down, I have this untamed wild side. Bondage, pain, rebellion, tattoos, and all things dark and morbid. Yet....there's that other part of me who love the "glamorous life." Fancy dresses and shoes, expensive purses and a love of the finer things that life has to offer.

But, I would give up everything for one thing.....unconditional love. As in one of my favorite poems by Edgar Allen Poe, Annabel Lee. A love so deep that even the angels above were jealous....so jealous they sent out a wind chilling, and killing his beloved Annabel Lee. But even death couldn't part his love for her as he lay down by her tomb each night.

Perhaps it is just all a tale....is there a love that runs so deep that not even death can survive love?

I've been tested and told that the perfect man does exist...but only in my mind. A mere creation in my head, generated by my heart. Perfect.

Maybe it's been me the entire time. Maybe I'm just too fucked up to realize. Let's see...could have been married, several times over, yet I chose not to. I'm 30 and never married...by choice. Is that weird?? Nearly all of my high school classmates are already married with multiple children and some are already working on their 3rd marriage.

Okay.....I've narrowed down the pro's and con's:

Pro's: reasonably attractive, quite intelligent, well read, articulate, loves to travel, am an excellent cook and can bake...just about anything...oh and I clean house too
Con's: HATES football, loves ink, spends a bit on shoes, clothes, purses, loves german shepherds to the point of obsession....I'm sure there's more.   

 So what's the point of all this??????? Just some of the maddness in my head.